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Two Bottle Mc Donald’s Holiday Party Etiquette 101

The Holidays can be tough. Not sure how to handle that certain social situation? Then here you go, Two Bottle knows what to do and now so do you!

Double-Dipping Shrimp?
It's inappropriate (and unhealthy) to put food you've nibbled on back into a communal sauce, unless you are Peter Secchia since he does it all the time, I’ve seen him do it a ton!. Even if you turn the shrimp around to an unbitten side, it's still wrong besides you would be eating the shell! While others might not know the steps you've taken trying to keep things sanitary, I say screw ‘em! What do they need to know! While the correct move is to spoon some sauce onto your own plate, and then dunk as many times as you'd like it takes more time so go for it and be like Pete!

Sip or Stir Cocktail?
When you're served a cocktail in fine crystal, the thin plastic straw should be used as a stirrer or if you’ve had a lot of drinks it should be shoved up your nose and two straws, one in each nostril is even better! But if you're in a bar or pub, its okay to use a straw for sipping as long as it's not too awkward to handle and you don’t poke your eye out!

Fess Up to a Spill?
If you spill a beverage or puke, tell your host right away, say you're sorry, and offer to help clean up, provided you can still talk and aren’t lying on the floor comatose. If the soiled material needs professional work, pay for the service. Your friend may feel uncomfortable accepting money, but make sure she takes it because you probably won’t remember in the morning unless you are sleeping in it. I keep a party fund and address an envelope of money to the host prior to the party. I either mail it on the way to the party or I keep it pinned to my jacket, just like a kindergartener, so the host can pull it off my jacket as they throw me out the door.

Serve Alcohol to Underage Relative?
It is illegal and irresponsible to offer an alcoholic beverage to a minor. Even if it is a girl! That being said, you increase your chances of getting lucky with your wife’s niece by furnishing alcohol to minors so it’s up to you. I know you can get caught up in the excitement of the festivities, so play it cool. Remember that it is usually a parent's choice whether or not to give alcohol, beer, or wine to a child who's underage, unless you live in West Virginia. And besides if they say no the kid will just go to the nearest kegger and get her own hootch…

Removing Shoes at a Party?
A hostess is within her rights to ask guests to remove their shoes — especially if it's snowing or raining outside. At my house we hide them after the guests remove their shoes, it’s a fun party game and the guests tend to stay longer! At other peoples houses I fix this problem by going to parties barefoot. If it makes you uncomfortable, just think of the time you will save by not looking through all of your shoes to see which ones don’t have dog poop on them. I’ve also found that those little paper slippers that the hospital uses can be quite handy when going to parties. Just stop by your local hospital and steal a few dozen prior to the party. There is a school of thought that the hostess should offer slippers to guests so you won't be cold or embarrassed. That said, a good hostess should be flexible and carry a big can of Lysol around during the party. If she doesn't know her guests well or is having a big party, she should suspend the no-shoes rule and invoke the no clothes rule, now that would get the night going!

Correct Way to Pass Food?
For a family-style dinner, the host or hostess serves the meat, and the side dishes are passed to the right (counterclockwise) with each dinner guest helping himself. This helps maintain a sense of order at the table while all the dishes are being served. Exception to this rule: If you are in China, it’s everyone for themselves over there. Watch out, because some little old lady will lay you out trying to get to the Pressed Duck. I mean it, it’s a real free-for-all. Also if someone sitting to your immediate left requests a second helping of potatoes, tell them that they are already too fat or that your busy and to get off their ass and get it themselves. Don't send the dish all the way around the table. Remember it's perfectly fine to tell another guest to “go screw themselves” when you have more important things to do, like pretending to drop your fork so that you can look up women’s dresses under the table. Be creative!

Removing Food from Teeth?
When you're the one with the tooth adornment, you can excuse yourself from the table and remove it in the restroom or you can just leave it. Once I was really stoned and had a whole glob of pot stuck on my front teeth, I thought everybody was being really nice since they were all smiling at me! Was I surprised when I got into my car to drive home! You could also pry the morsel loose with a fingernail, toothpick, fork, or matchbook cover while you're sitting at the table. If your dinner companion has the problem, just don’t mention it — it will be the talk of the party later that evening. If he discovers a piece of spinach in his teeth hours later, he'll wonder just how long he's been decorated with it and cringe at the thought of seeing those people again!

Offensive Partygoer?
We’ve all had this problem. When confronted with an offensive or racist partygoer, it's important to let him know you don't agree with him/her or he-she. When a partygoer makes a bigoted remark, say: "What the hell are you're saying, you moron" or "Broad generalizations about groups of people rarely hold true you faggot" or “What did the blind man say as he was walking past the fish market? Hello, Ladies.” Then stare at the guest until they become self-conscious so that they will walk away. Once I was at a party and this guy kept asking for more of our whiskey. I thought, hell if this guy likes whiskey so much why didn’t he bring any? So we fixed him by mixing the whiskey with a ton of Log Cabin syrup and offering him a “Black Cabin”! He drank until he passed out on the couch so all we had to do was open the door, tip up the couch on end and he fell outside on the lawn. Problem solved with simple physics and we never saw that guy again!

Advice and Stuff....

Dear Two Bottle,

I met this wonderful man. He's intelligent, witty, caring, and we share a lot
of the same interests. We've been "talking" for about four months now. I had
been under the impression, due to his lifestyle, that he was single. I recently
found out though that, although they have filed for divorce, he is still technically
married, and when we had begun hanging out they were married.

One of his closest friends, a woman, told me that his marriage had been on the
rocks for over a year. He hasn't really tried to hide it from me; I just assumed
that they were already divorced. Is it bad to date a man who is still technically
married? Should I end it now, before it really begins?
-Rex in Kansas

Dear Rex,

What the hell, unless “talking” means a good reaming then go for it,
it's not like your last name is Holmes (is it?)
Just because you’re a man doesn’t mean that you
shouldn’t have close relationships, even if the thought of it does make me puke. I have a
friend here in Michigan that likes animals a lot, maybe you could try that you pervert.

Dear Two Bottle,

I have been dating this great girl for about two months now and everything
is great except that she has the mouth of a sailor. Whenever we go out to a
bar she either gets me in a fight or gets us thrown out of the place. What should I do?
Concerned in Cleveland

Dear Concerned in Cleveland,

You may worry that her language is not ladylike, but occasionally a woman
letting a curse escape her lips at an unexpected moment can be a major turn-on.
Hey, I do it all the time!

According to Ian Kerner, Ph.D., author of
“She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring Women” hearing
a woman use profanity out of context gives a shock of sexual adrenaline.
Some men like women who can be tough and assertive, and I think it’s a positive thing. Really it sounds to me as if she hasn’t
gone far enough! One of these days she’ll get that pop in the kisser that she deserves.
In the meantime can you send me her phone number?

Dear Two Bottle,

My brother likes to dress up in women’s clothes. He does this at home,
at family gatherings and sometimes leaves the house dressed this way.
It’s starting to embarrass me!

Troubled in Indiana

Dear Troubled,

What the hell else is there to do in Indiana! I was there once and I only
wish that I had some women’s clothes, it was boooring! Besides as long
as he washes the stuff and puts it back in your drawer what do you care?
I think you’re being petty, and ridiculous. Stop bothering me!

Dear Two Bottle,

If I took a trip to Chicago and left with $300 in my wallet on a train with
a bar car from Detroit going at 65 miles per hour and
I drink four Martini’s per hour how much money would I have left
for my visit to Chicago?

Detroit Traveler

Dear Traveler,

I don’t know about you but I’d probably be calling my friends about
the time I hit Kalamazoo. I seriously doubt that you’d be able to make
it to Chicago, you’d be lucky to be dumped off in Gary! If you did
make Chicago I’d place bets that you’d get rolled before you left the
train station! Anyway, when I travel I always carry my Discover Card,
nobody takes that so you can rest assured that you’d at least have one
form of identification that they could use to ID your sorry ass!

Dear Two Bottle,

How do you make the first move to get to know or meet a guy?
I have seen this guy in our church, at the parking lot, driving to work,
at the grocery store, at the car wash, —and since he was driving in front
of me I even got to find out where he works. We even sat close to each
other at the church mass. Problem is, I never have the courage to talk
to him or even say a word. I found out his name, where he lives,
his social security number and his bank account number and I even
know his phone number. I am really dying to meet him, even to
just be friends for now. I do know he did notice me, how could he not
I followed him for three days, but I guess he didn’t want to make a move, either.
Do I call him at home, or at work repeatedly—or even show up in front of his
door and introduce myself? But what will I say, especially if he asks how
I know so much about him? Any advice will be appreciated.
-Shy Girl

Dear Shy Girl,

I remember one time I wrangled a date with someone I had a massive crush
on but had never actually met. She was a movie star and a friend of a friend,
whom I hounded for every last detail about her.

This, I soon learned, was unwise. At local bistro, she stared into my eyes with
an utter lack of interest and said, “I’ll take the burger platter and a Bud Light.”
I cannot tell you how close I came to saying, “And how is little Emma Jane
and the new cottage, and when are you going to Belize again?” Yes, I had
done my homework and had been stalking her for weeks.

Now, this gal and I did not turn out to have a huge Hollywood love connection.
But still, I would have been mortified — and, more to the point, she would have
been majorly creeped out — if I had blurted out the name of her baby niece and
her address and social security number. So just to spell things out: Yes, you’re
right to wonder what this guy would think if you show up at his door or cubicle.
It’s perfectly normal, while in the heady throes of a crush, to go a little crazy
with stalking. But it can feel a little alarming or invasive for the crushee to hear
that you’ve memorized his or her birthday, Amazon wish list, high-school soccer
team’s four-year record, bank account balance and every Christmas present
he received last year. That info is for him to disclose, and you to pretend to find out.

So what to do? Well, you’ve seen him at church. Perfect.
Follow him all day. Make sure he sees you and never say
anything to him. One day after mass, smile at him and then
put a dead squirrel on the front seat in his car— then leave a
note on the steering wheel saying “I’ll be watching you”!
I can practically guarantee he’ll be calling the police! Then what?
Call him multiple times at night while he’s sleeping and when he answers
don’t say anything but stay on the phone! Believe me he’ll notice
you and you won’t even have to say a word…your lawyer can do all your talking!

The key is, do it soon. Then longer you let this tension build up,
the more scared he’ll get —and the more detective work you’ll
be able to do to prepare for a possible confrontation with him.
And if you two don’t become an item (it is possible that once
you meet, you'll be going to the slammer), remember this: Next time you see
someone of interest, step up and say, “hello, I’ve been following you”!
Soon you’ll start to realize that people — even if they’re shy, too —
really don’t want to talk to you!

Dear Two Bottle,

My girl friend just left me, I feel horrible, and it was probably all my fault that she left. Do you have any hints for me to try to get back with her?

Feeling Bad in Wausau

Dear Wausau,

What I’ve done in the past is to wait awhile and then start by sending her a letter. If you try too hard right away you might run the risk of supporting the reasons that she left.

Now a lot of guys don’t like to write out their feelings but believe me it will be better if you do. If you can shed her heartfelt reasons why she should reconsider then you just may have a chance. Since most guys have a hard time writing this kind of letter I’ve taken the liberty of writing one that you can use or at least use as a template for a letter of your own. Good luck!

Dear (fill in blank)

I know the counselor said we shouldn’t contact each other during our “cooling off” period but I just can’t wait anymore.

The day you left I swore that I’d never talk to you again but that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies I always dreamed it would be you that came crawling back to me on your knees. I guess that is my pride speaking. But now I see that my pride has cost me a lot of things. I’m tired of pretending that I don’t miss you. I don’t care about looking bad anymore. I don’t care who makes the first move as long as one of us does. I believe that maybe it’s time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. My heart says that there is no one like you. I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they are never you, they’re not even close.

Two weeks ago I met this girl at the bar and brought her home with me. I don’t say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and an athletic childhood can give you. I mean just a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn’t believe and an ass that wouldn’t quit. Every man’s dream right? Well, as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner I though, look at the stuff we’ve made important in our lives, it’s all so superficial. What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? We’ll in this case yes but I think you see what I mean. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than you? I doubt it. I never really thought of that before, I don’t know maybe I’m just growing up a little.

Later, after I’d tossed her about a half pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking why do I feel so drained and empty? It wasn’t her flawless technique or her shameless hunger but something else, some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? Then it hit me, I didn’t feel the same because you weren’t there to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. I’m going crazy without you and everything I do reminds me of you.

Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met last month? Well, she dropped by with a pan of Lasagna and said she figured I wasn’t eating right without a woman around. I didn’t know what she meant until later but that’s not the real story. Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing I knew we were banging away in our old bedroom. Carol’s a total monster in the sack and she’s giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she’s not hung up about her weight or her career or whether the kids can hear us. Well, all of the sudden she spots that big tilting mirror on you grandmother’s old vanity and she puts it on the floor and we straddle it so we can watch ourselves. And it’s totally hot but it just makes me sad because I can’t help thinking “Why didn’t you ever put the mirror on the floor”? We’ve had that old vanity for over 14 years and we never used it as a sex toy.

Last Saturday your sister dropped by with a copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicki is just a kid and all but she’s got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she’s been a real friend to me during this painful time. She’s given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. She’s pulling for us to get back together, she really is. So while we’re doing Jell-O shots in the hot tub and talking about happier times I think here’s a girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much see looks like you when you were 16 and that just about made me cry. Then it turns out that Vicki is really into the whole anal thing and that get’s me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably was fuel for some of the bitterness between us. So even when I was thrusting inside of your little sister’s cinnamon ring, all I could do is think of you. It’s true and in your heart you must know it!

Don’t you think we could just start over? Just wipe out all of the past bad times and start fresh? I think we can. If you feel the same please, please let me know. Otherwise can you let me know where the fucking remote is?

Love (blank)

There that ought to do it!

Dear Two Bottle,

I’ve enclosed a photo of my self and my question is “Am I too Ugly to Flirt”? I have always believed that I am plain. I try to dress well and take care of myself, but my face and body simply aren't going to stop traffic. I have a good sense of humor, am a good conversationalist, and have lots of friends. I have had romantic relationships, mostly for a night, but not in a very long time. I chalk that up to circumstance, timing, chemistry, and my plainness. Men are visually oriented, and I think I have an honest understanding of what society considers attractive. As a result, I don't flirt. To me, there is little more pathetic than an unattractive woman flirting as though she is hot stuff. But my friends want me to find someone, so they tell me to engage in behaviors that I don't think jibe with what I look like—dress provocatively, flirt, try to be seductive, flash innocent by-stander on the street, you know the drill. They tell me that I am attractive, but I know they are lying or really drunk. How do I find out? And does it matter whether I am objectively attractive?

Plain Jane

Dear Plain,

I really doubt that is your first name, but if it is I’d start there with your make over. Try Bambi or Destiny as a first name. I mean who in their right mind would name a child Plain? Besides Bambi Jane has a real ring to it!

From your photo I see that you have striking eyes, great bone structure, lovely legs and a few warts by your nose. I think you're protecting yourself from rejection by your own pre-emptive approach of daring any man to find you attractive. Although I think that if you actually made an effort to look and act alluring you might get lucky. Face it, you just don’t have the looks. Maybe you should lose some weight? Although from what I can tell you do have a nice personality. Perhaps if you repeated "I am not interested in an encounter with the opposite sex!" 20 to 30 times a day you wouldn’t be writing me.

I can suggest a few careers that may help you. Have you thought about becoming a nun? Maybe a librarian? And don’t forget that there is good money to be made in phone sex!

Good luck and please buy a hoody.

Sincerely,

Two Bottle

Two Bottle’s 10 Ways to Make Your Relationship More Thrilling

The start of a relationship is exciting, risky, even a bit scary, and we savor every slightly out-of-control minute of it. "I'm crazy for him," we say. "He makes my heart pound." That early relationship thrill comes from the high of discovery, from learning your partner's passions and fears and maybe the bong hits. It's the mystery of the unknown and the anticipation of the unexpected: What's he thinking? Will he call? What did I do last night? Who are you? Where am I?

Here are 10 ways to re-kindle that passion:

1. Scare yourselves silly

Medical experts liken the body's fear response to sexual arousal -- our pulse quickens and we break out in a sweat, which may explain why people voluntarily bungee-jump or descend full speed down glaciers on skis. We get a rush from being scared in a somewhat controlled environment, and when we do it with a partner, the feeling of having conquered our fears hand in hand brings us together. Carol Worthington, 39, of Baltimore, can attest to this: "My husband, Brian, wanted to go skydiving, and even though it wasn't my idea of fun, I decided to go with him so we could share the thrill. It was the scariest thing I've ever done, especially since we were naked, but also one of the most exciting moments of our married life together. I got so ecited that I almost pulled his rip cord!"
Granted, jumping out of a plane may be more stimulation than many of us ever care to experience, but there's always drinking till you pass out, the thrill of tearing up people lawns with your car or just yelling insults at your neighbor together from your front porch!

2. Spill a secret

Intimacy and thrills go hand in hand, which is probably why the initial getting-to-know-you period at the beginning of a relationship is so exciting. Walking along the beach on vacation, after we'd been married for five years, my husband and I dared each other to reveal one secret about ourselves. After first insisting, "But I keep nothing from you!" I got up the guts to tell him about losing our retirement at the casino and he told me about the time he invited the strippers over to our hot tub. We’re currently not speaking but boy did that get our hearts pumping!

3. Place a bet

You and your husband have $20 on Hootenanny to win in the sixth race. He rounds the far turn three back from the lead, but he's closing in fast. The horses thunder past you down the stretch, and Hootenanny wins by a nose! You jump into your husband's arms and suddenly realize you're having a blast. The adrenaline rush, the decadence of throwing caution (and a few bucks) to the wind and the slightly sleazy atmosphere of the track or your average casino all make gambling a great way to inject a little pizzazz into your relationship. Of course, you don't have to wager your hard-earned cash to get the same effect: Try playing strip poker with your neighbors in your living room after the kids go to bed or going to a pool hall and insulting the local patrons.

4. Be a little daring

When I was in high school the "in" thing to do during the wee hours of a warm summer night was to sneak into the local pool and go skinny-dipping. Fear of getting caught in a compromising position is guaranteed to evoke some thrills and chills, and you can bring back that feeling as adults in small ways that may get you thrown in the slammer. How, you ask? The next time the two of you go to a movie, hide in the last row of the theater and take off your clothes. Valerie Gordon, 35, of Santa Clara, CA, ups the excitement factor by showing (more than) a little skin: "When the mood hits and the weather permits, my husband and I like to clean the garage naked. We also take naked photos of each other in public places like parking garages, phone booths, fast food restaurants and the County Tax assessors office."

5. Re-live your first date

Your first date was a mystery that had yet to be solved. There were several juicy clues -- the look in your date's eyes, the way he kissed you -- and plenty of nervous tension and the emergency phone number from the escort service. But even though you know how that mystery turned out, returning to the scene of that first crime can bring back some of those old goosebumps. Sharon Alex, 38, of Lake Mary, FL, suggests you plan the evening exactly as you did the first time -- same sleazy bar, same bra-less outfit, same strip search later that evening. You can even dress separately and meet each other there, as Alex did: "I met my husband at this sleazy bar, and we danced and flirted. I could have picked up about 10 different guys. Who knows what kind of STD’s I could have given him!"

6. Cyber-romance each other

These days it's far too easy for a chasm of cyberspace to grow between a husband and wife. He can spend hour after hour playing a computer game and accessing porn, and she can't seem to get enough of her favorite lesbian blogs. But with a few quick clicks, you can use this very same technology to hot-wire your marriage. "With the accessibility of email," says Michele Weiner (that can’t be her real name, can it?), a marriage and family therapist in Woodstock, IL, (there's a made up job if I ever saw one!) and author of "Cyber Sex…Don’t Confiscate My Computer", "we can take the time to do things we wouldn't ordinarily do, like sending love letters or paying bills completely naked." One woman she knows decided that if her husband was going to spend all of his time surfing the Internet, she would express her feelings online. She emailed him a very personal romantic poem and got an amazingly romantic response from a complete stranger.

7. See each other in a different light

Kristen Kiser, 30, of Astoria, NY, and her husband add a spark to their marriage by hosting Thanksgiving dinner for friends who can't make it home for the holiday. "Sure it’s extremely boring but so are we and I get to see what Marc's like in action, when he's taking charge and acting the host instead of being walked all over like at work or most of the time at home," she says. "It makes me fall in love with him all over again." Other eye-opening ideas: Consider taking a boxing class together at the gym and tell him before the match that "either you get closer to me or I’ll pound the crap out of you"! Or take dance lessons, where you might end up with the instructor for some "private" lessons.

8. Become a master of seduction

A little bit of forethought can awaken some of the passion in your marriage, even on an ordinary Tuesday night. Rob Czaplewski, 29, of Grand Island, NB, likes to get home from work before his wife and wear her under garments. "Then I have her favorite music playing with all the candles lit in the living room and a bed of pillows on the floor," he says, "and finally, the promise of a backrub to help her relax."

Jenna Schlehuber, 42, of Moran, MI, used a bottle of cologne to build temptation. She bought her husband a scent she really liked and had it wrapped. When he went upstairs that evening to take his shower, she left it on his pillow with a card that said, "Would you wear this tonight for me, and only this?" Says Schlehuber, "After a few minutes, I went upstairs to find him just the way I asked, waiting patiently for me to come to bed. What a romantic evening we had -- better than ever. And he loved the cologne, too."

Let's get real!!!!

Come on, these ideas really blow, I’m sure you can come up with something better, I mean I’m sure my seven years old daughter could even beat these lame-o ideas...what garbage! These folks have problems and it’s not with their relationship, it’s their boring daily existence. They’d be better off jumping from a bridge! These guys couldn’t seduce a cat in heat! I don't even know why I spoke to them!

9. Profit from the passion

Sex is something relationship experts universally agree will bolster just about every area of a marriage -- including its thrill quotient and I couldn't agree more! "Increased sexual contact," says Lopez, "is a way to recapture the erotic force that brought you together in the first place." Well, Duh! Weiner-Davis (that can't be her real name) tells of one woman who, soon after resolving to have more sex with her husband, went on to having sex with her neighbor, her boss and household objects! Now her marriage IS more thrilling!

10. Take a trip to nowhere

At the beginning of your relationship, every date was an adventure; you never knew quite what was going to happen or how it was going to end up. So one weekend, take a trip -- overnight or just for the day -- without each other. No packing, no planning. Says Patty Moosbrugger, 35, of New York City, who's been married for six years, "Every now and then I just grab a sweater, some whiskey and a huge hoagy sandwich and get on a train. I've ended up completely out of it in exotic places like Queens, Pittsburg and Jail! When I feel like getting out of it I do! Alcohol and pills help too! Someday I'd like to go see my friends at Utica State Prison. Do you have any spare change?" By letting go of some of the control you have over your lives, you'll recapture that exciting sense of the unknown you felt when before you first met.

Let's face it these guys already live in Nowhere's ville so it's not really much of a trip for them!

If you would like to ask Two Bottle a question, even a stupid one like the questions above, please contact
him at www.themarones1234@yahoo.com, don't forget to include your name, credit card number and expiration date.